Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Memories + Dreams = Reality?

It's 9 a.m. and I am still out of sorts a bit.  I work up about 6:00 and remembered my dream, although it had seemed so real it didn't feel like a dream.  In the "dream," I had awakened and felt Ellie Rose next to me (where she always is), so I smoothed her fur and then thought, where is Randy?  So, I sat up a bit and saw him lying on the other side of her.  He was in an old favorite t-shirt, shorts and moccasins, lying on top of the covers, sleeping peacefully.  I remember thinking "why does he have his clothes and shoes on?" but felt comforted by his presence and went back to "sleep".

So even though I've been awake for three hours, I can't shake the realness of the dream.  Randy left this earth on August 11, 2009 and was in the hospital most of the three weeks before that, so he hasn't slept in our bed in more than seven years.  He never knew Ellie Rose (and vice versa) and neither Sophie nor Lucy slept in the bed with us (he always laughed, saying when he was out of town, he knew they slept with me!).  But this morning, I'm having a hard time convincing myself of that.

The mind works in mysterious ways, that's for sure.  I assume it's me thinking about his last few weeks on earth, which I do often, but especially when August comes.  I am thankful for 25+ years of sharing life with him and for memories of all the fun we had and all I learned from him and how he inspired me.  I'm even thankful, in an odd sort of way, for the last few weeks of his life - at least I had time with him that many people don't get when someone dies suddenly.

I've had similar dreams before - similar in that Randy was here in my life now, being healthy and funny and, well, just himself.  I may be temporarily disconcerted by these dreams, as they throw my real world into question - what is real and what's not?  But after a few more hours, the dream will just be a memory and I will know that and be grateful for his "appearance" in my life.

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