Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Going from "We" to "I"

I wonder when I will ever stop saying "we" when I'm talking or e-mailing about something at home. Sometimes it's past tense, so the we is appropriate, but often it's present times and I have trouble just saying "I". It's like saying "we" keeps Randy with me, because the "we" is just expressive of how I know it would be if he were here. I don't know if it bothers other people or not. I hope not, because it is comforting to me.

I don't think I am grieving so much anymore, but then one of these "we" moments catches me and I'm out of sorts for a while. Through the holidays and social occasions and Arkansas and OU football games - there were just times when I was at home alone and the hole where he would have been was huge. I didn't really want to be anywhere else, but I did want him to be here with me. I'm trying to do different things and usually feel really good about where I am, but then sometimes I feel like I've hardly made any progress and like I won't ever get better. That's silly, because I know I already have and will continue to, but the social world can be a real challenge. I appreciate my couples friends who include me in things and the single friends who invite me to join them, but it's just almost impossible for me to make myself socialize at times.... like what's the point of being social without Randy?

As for the feeling good about where I am, I have to say that the chaplain experience at UAMS has been a positive for me. Being with patients and/or family members who are suffering or scared or both helps me, as I can identify with them, to some extent. None of the situations are the same as "ours" was, but all of them touch me in a way I would not have imagined. One minute, someone is a total stranger and the next minute, I'm feeling their pain so deeply, I feel like I've known them for years. I'm not sure if they benefit as much from our meeting as I do, but I hope and pray they can sense my compassion for them and their situation. In addition, there is a bond with the other chaplains that is developing as we really get to know each other. And, most surprisingly of all, I'm actually getting to know myself a little better and why I react the way I do. I've even hoped that I might be more relaxed when things irritate me (pokey drivers, for example). I'm not saying I'm there yet, but I am working on it :)

I've rambled, which I often do when I write, but I guess my point is I am still working on the grief thing. I appreciate your patience as I continue to work through this change in my life. I feel stronger than I did a year ago, but don't nominate me for any grief recovery awards just yet. I am a work in progress....

No comments:

Post a Comment